Funny Poem Search

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Funny Poem Search Engine

My Butt Crack

My butt crack 
Is quite a split 
It supports the rest of me 
when I sit 
you thought I was gonna say something else didn't you ?

My butt crack 
Is a marvel to behold 
It was cute when I was young 
but now offensive since I'm old 

My butt crack 
Is pretty darn straight 
can you imagine if it was crooked 
pretty weird sight I would rate 

My butt crack 
Is funny to me 
when I bend over in my jeans 
It peeks out 
for you to see 

My butt crack 
wanted me to write this today 
for no other reason 
then just to say......................

I gotta split 


LOL 

Eric (and sometimes not)

Funny Onion

Out shopping met an old friend from school
he turns to me serious looking
what are you at these days 
Well says I
working for a China man
picking up crumbs 
for disabled birds
Those with broken wings
who are unable to fly smiling
to warmer sunnier climates

Whoa he sounded shocked
he said what a job
What's the money like 
he asked laughing out loud
I said less than peanuts
out all weathers 
Barely feed a mouse

God I am glad he said 
that I have bumped into you
saying you have just really cheered me up
What a man really needed
Peanuts I replied
He began laughing 
saying that I was a character
really brightened up his dull day
leaving all I heard was him laughing

Remember When We Were Funny Kids

Remember when we were kids, we use to laugh out loud ?
We use to stay awake for days, jumping and running..
Breaking the limits of sound....

Remember when we had a fight for the very first time and you cried ?
We use to be funny kids playing all around, no space for sadness or tears....
Except the tears of joy , those we couldn't hide...

Remember when we use to make branks to uncle deen ?
We throw at him a pocket of painting, we wrapped his legs...
Remember when we broke his phone screen ?

Remember when we use to run through the woods to have fun ?
Funny kids we were , I believe we still, I know we're old but our souls still young...
If you don't believe me, let's make a race and start to run....

All these memories about our days when we were kids is what's keeping me a life...
There's nothing to worry about when we were kids exibt having fun...
Now see how life cut our throats with her knife.....

Funny kids, yes funny kids that's how we use to be...
Funny oh  yeah funny, you can't remember but believe me it's real...
In my memory I look to the mirror and I see the funny kid who still lives  inside of me...

Rasta Ruben

On an cool Autumn night,
Eerie and full of dread.
...not fear...but locks.

Darkness is embraced by light,
Peace stirs in the midnight wind,
...not a calm...but a gesture of his hand.

Simple and sweet...a mystery hides 
Behind the pleasant mood.
...not a state of mind...but the smile on his face.

With a skull peering over his shoulder,
Silent growls begin to grrr.
...not growls of a wolf...but his hunger of sweets.

The mood begins to fade,
As a black bird paused in flight,
...not in the air...but on his shirt

Sets the tone for the night,
As he dresses up for Halloween,
...he’s not Bob Marley...he’s Rasta Ruben.




__________________________________
For Carols Browns “Funny Spooks” contest
My reference material is in my blog photos...

Who Are Those Funny Poets

John Wulf, with his funny Limerick antics  telling funny hilarious stories,

“viagraology

There once was a medical study
of things flapping flaccid like putty
those men given placebo
couldn’t enter gazebo
it drove the poor fellas plumb nutty

Copyright © 2015John Wulf” 

but also has his very soft spot for all of us

Then there is my very favorite  lady, Jan Allison, with all her humorous poems,

ANOTHER VIAGRA POEM HAS JUST POPPED UP - INSPIRED BY EVE ROPER AND JACK ELLISON

It hung so limply like Niagara
Doc told him to take some Viagra
Just one little blue pill
Gave his wife such a thrill
It sticks up so high it could stab ya

Copyright © 2015JAN ALLISON  18th July 2015

but lover her with all our hearts she is the sweeties of them all


Jack Ellison, teasing back and forth with his witty poems,
so who’s the greatest of them all, 

OD'd On Viagra


Hickory, Dickory, Dock
Overdosed on Viagra, whatta shock
My wee fellow looked up
Said, “You ain't no pup!”
I cried, “This guy don't go by no clock”


Copyright © Jack Ellison 2015

But a jolly soul because his Santa  Jack this year.

Then there’s our Mystic Rose that joins the group with  her sense of humor; 

A Little Viagra Goes A Long Way 

Incline thy ear o-friend of mine 
Me poor husband got it bad 
He got a dicky that won't pine
Tis sad Tis sad Tis really sad 

I heard yours takes Viagra pills
Malone's will not erect nor stay   
and yesterday he got the shills 
Just letting dicky out to play!

Would you be so kind to send 
The medicine that made him sleep 
I'll give my  hon a pop to rend 
His dicky joy, so he can weep 

Few tears of joy alongside mine 
Oh how my smile would shine 
He got a dicky that won't pine 
And that's a real bad sign...

Copyright ©Mystic Rose 7/19/2015   

so much fun we have here on Poetry Soup

11/13/2015

Poetry Contest : Who Are those funny Poets

Sponsored by: Judy Konos

" Ike and Jane " --Sequence 3 "old Geezer's Garden"

The name's Ike
Some a you met me and my wife Jane,
We got us a good life, can't complain.

To the kids, I'm an old geezer round here,
I think it's funny , they don't mean no harm,
I likes ta watch em, and have me a beer,
Work in the yard; Jane calls it my 'lil farm

I been around a long time,
But ya know, it's still me inside this old shell,
This old body shell is wrinkled and baldin'
gray haired and achin'; I really gave it hell.
Though ya know, inside,..I'm still really alive!
Funny...I always think I'm about thirty five !

Anyway i'm gettin off track
Sometimes I gotta find somethin ta git me goin',
so I head out to the yard and start ta hoein'.
Ya see I got me a 'lil garden,
sometimes, I spreads manure in,
  ..(beggin' your pardon)

You see ,in a special sorta way
each plant needs good care.
Some stay outside 'n grow on the rungs.
Some shoots I wants in the green house,
ta help 'em grow and tend to the young.
Guess them plants is like people,
Some praise God under the sky'
some prays ta Him under a steeple.

This ole garden been through alot.
She been through four hurricanes in her lifetime,
and one year,...a twister just missed her.
I've always liked it out here.
it's a special place to me,..very dear.
We sometimes walk out here, me and the Mrs.
We smile and call it "the old geezer's garden".
Then we get us in a few hugs and kisses.

My old garden been around 
a long long time, but she's still alive!
Some folks ask me how old it is,..
and I tell 'em...oh..'bout..thirty five...
      
 

see you folks next time  " nite nite darlin."

Diets

Can you imagine my surprise 
When I woke up with thunder thighs

I looked in my mirror and
It gave me back a knowing grin

Hard and heavy the diet days
And all of my sweet tooth chocolate craves

Knowing what's  in front of me
Makes this fat boy wanna scream

So I check out the internet
To find the perfect diet yet

        Lets see......

Urine injections from a pregnant babe
That seems to be the latest craze

How about this bubble wrap
I just might be down with that

Who is there to really say
Which pill and how many I should take

One that sympathizes with the way I feel
While feeding me pint size starvation meals

Here's one guaranteed to clean my clock
While the next ten days I'm on the toilet docked

This is funny...try and eat more sensibly
That's like a foreign language to me

Get your daily exercise
Obviously written by some wise guy

Goes to prove just what I've heard
On the internet don't believe every word

How about the Himalayan soft cheese wrap
The secrets in the cheese to squeeze off the fat

Or I could go the Hollywood way
Have it sucked out and back to eating in one day

There are so many options here
It's hard to know which way to steer

As my options all expand
Think I'll just go buy elastic waist band pants

And learn to enjoy in my own eyes
The fact that I have thunder thighs

The Poem About the Flu

I've been ill with this flu for about a week
Funny how my cough gets worse just as I'm about to sleep 
I'm laying in bed with nothing else to do
I may aswell write a poem about being ill with the flu 

We all get it at some point in the year no one is immune 
You can try to avoid it, but you'll get it soon
It starts off with a snuffy nose, temperature and feeling weak 
You'll be lucky if you can go more than a few hours without needing to sneeze 

You'll be hot one minute and cold the next
You'll have to take time off work and use it to rest
You can't eat as you don't have an appetite 
You'll cough so much your ribs will hurt and you'll have watering eyes

As a man I always have women fell me that man flu isn't real
They just don't understand that men get it worse and take longer to heal
Go to a scientist and they'll tell you that man flu is a real thing
Look at it like a game of chess, the Queen needs to protect the king

I tend to get the flu every year once October hits
Give it another week or so and I'll be over it
Rest and take it easy is all that I can do
I wrote this poem for fun because we all know what it's like to have the flu

Jan Is As Sweet As Honey

JAN writes her poems
With humor and care
She brings out laughter every where
Her humor is beyond compare

Her sounds are as sweet as honey
She makes me laugh in my tummy
She lives on an isle with men
No wonder her humor

Is so Funny

A Funny One Liner In a Rude Idiom

Caught between two stools poor grandma's toilet paper 



Not for the Contest(Idiom with a double meaning: )
Inspired by SilentOne's One liner contest

Dinosaurs

DINOSAURS

Let me take out my thesaurus
And talk about them stinky dinosaurs

I have my own theory on the Mesozoic Era,
First I'll share my reason on the Continental Drift
Who's to blame for the disconnection of our jagged sierra?
It could've been the Jurassic reptiles that caused the world to split!

My favorite meat eater is the ferocious Allosaurus
Sharp claws- sharp teeth,
terrorizing all the dinos walking on all fours.
Sneaking up while they eat and gaze the veggie heath.
Striping away chunks & chunks of meat!!!
A prehistoric predator eating his way to the top.
Preying on other dinos as if they where all pork chop.

I also like the silly Velociraptors!
These carnivores gathered and hunt in packs.
Should I call these wanna be birds 'gangsters'?
Since they had each others backs!

I also like that funny looking pea brain Stegosaurus
Look how his tiny little head is attached to that gigantic body.
I bet that dino was the dumbest of all dinosaurs

Once again imagine an 80 foot long Diplodocus,
or, a 90 foot long  Apatosaurus- also known as the Brontosaurs.
Along with the largest known 45 foot tall Brachiosaurus.
Can you imagine a herd of these dinos over 40 feet tall.
Leaving a path of destruction like a tornado.
Turning the earth upright, tumbling the ground with one fall

Flying high in that sky, swooping down to the seas.
In the Pteranodon eyes, every thing looked like Pease

Don't think I forgot about Mr.T.Rex
How funny he looks with them little claw like hands,,
A nightmare in his own neighbor hood, 
A scavenger, prowling to see what he could eat next
What a big O' bully that Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Lets not forget about the 3 horn Triceratop.
I wonder how long it took Mr.T.Rex to bring Sara to a drop

Last but not least 
I like the little egg thieves
Hiding and kidnapping all them babies,
before they hatched, into their herds like armies.
Now that could be a theory to the real Dinosaurs Evolution.
One can't really say why the dinosaurs went away
Maybe the climate, or a star explosion leaking out radiation.
Scientist don't know why dinosaurs had an expiration!
I have a crazy thought!
Maybe all them egg eaters ate the dinosaurs into extinction

By:P.D.

My Father's Cleats

It’s funny how my father’s hobby became mineHe has been a sportsman all his life, he played basketball, volleyball and softball all his youth, but his real passion is soccer and even though he is 55 years old now, he still keeps playing it and loving itHe has had all kinds of cleats, all brands, all colors, different styles, but it does not change anything, he still plays amazingBut one thing I do find hilarious is that every time he comes from a game, he cleans his cleats, he washes them and takes them with such an unbelievable affection, that I’m beginning to think that he might love them more than he loves me, but now I do know the feeling of a new shiny, hard and beautiful pair of cleatsI still recall when he took me for my very first pair, I could not believe he was doing it for me, I was so excited, but now I realize that what I was excited about is that I could be like my father for just a moment when I had them onEver since I was little, I remember my daddy playing soccer, leaving home all dressed up, ready to fight, and win the ball to make a remarkable roll on the fieldThe playing field that we both love, the field all covered in grass, all green, so delicious and soft, so colorful… being crashed by everyone’s cleats and the rolling ball, feeling the sunlight on our skin, and the wind on our facesHaving a team, an extra family with whom we could find support and create new ideas, new plays so we could smash the opponentSo yes, I loved watching him play and cheering him up more than I could ever like watching official and famous soccer teamsI do find funny the fact that my father’s hobby became mine since everyone says we’re too similar, and even though he also has a son, his daughter is with whom he shares that connectionI love the fact that our simple relationship was started thanks to such a manly sport, and curiously, to transform me into such a girly girl.

The - Mexican

THE  MEXICAN

I went over to my friends house last night.
I love it when he smiles with a grin,
He holds the door open, and welcomes me in.
With a style of a gentleman.
"MI CASA ES SU CASA"                      ~~~~~~(he says)
At first I did not know what he meant.
I don't fully speak Mexican.
I never got the hint,
when he called me his brown 'DULCE' medicine.
Funny how I thought he was a  *WhiteSican*    ~~(lol)
Always offering me 'TORTILLAS' with rice and beans.
OH! Now I now exactly what he means.

On Thursdays when we play 'CHALUPA'~~~~~(aka*bingo)
He'll remind me not to forget- 
my 'GUACAMOLE JALAPEÑO' dip.
We'll talk and laugh and, 
oops there he goes again with the gas.
Blames it on all them beans he eats.
Than he'll talk me into dancing "LA CUCARACHA," ~~~(with him)
Dancing and jumping to the beat,
he always steps on my feet.

MMM I love it when he makes "ENCHILADAS!" ~~~(all for me)
We sit and watch Spanish 'NOVELLAS' on TV.
I never complain, thinking he knew what they where saying'
It's not the right time to tell him I'm a silly Texan,
with a poor excuse when it comes to a 'MEXICAN!'

I'll keep it to my self and enjoy the cute things he does for me.
I love the words he speaks before I leave.
Like a gentleman he opens the door.
He hugs me and calls me his "AMOR!'
He waits for me, as I get in to my car.
Than he'll yell~ 'ASTA LUGO MI AMIGA!'
I'll smile and turn back and say,
~"ASTA LA VISTA BABE!"~

by;p.d.

Carpet John

My friend Carpet John
Who I met through a girlfriend
Was a funny one.

He once told me of his days at school
When he wanted to go swimming
In the school swimming pool.,

He asked his Mom to get him something to wear
And when he saw what he bought him
He wasn't prepared.

Imagine a tall lanky guy
Dressed in terry towelling swimming trunks
That looked like a babies diaper
Far from a hunk in his new swimming trunks,.

He jumped straight in to the pool
But came our looking like a fool
His trunks were so full of water
They swelled like a huge balloon
And water leaked out in leaks everywhere
Hr was so embarrassed
He never went swimming again
Winder why.

He also told me he hated soccer at school
But he was made to take part it was a rule
One day he was just stood with his arms crossed
Over his chest
And you wouldn't believe what happened next
The ball hit him bounced off and he scored a goal in the net.

It was a very important match and he had saved the day
He was a hero and he didn't even play
They carried him around the field with a lap of honour
You'd think he'd single handedly won the world cup
Well the other team 
Just bowed their heads and give up.





Peter Dome.Copyright.2015May.

Ba Na Na

Minions,
           determine little creatures
In the wide screen
That stir lots of trouble with their funny little slurs
Don’t know if they are his or hers
They look like yellow Hot Tamales jelly beans
Wearing little blue bebe overalls 
           that are always clean
Tiny little hands and feet           
           black gloves and shoes
They are always full of motion
Gargling sounds       
           feeling free
Between their little face goggles they wear
Their only difference is        one or two big eyes
Excursion to who knows where
Their slapstick-infused shenanigans little Minions
In the spotlight dancing
          Believe me!
That keep the little ones entranced and in their seats
         They wiggle and they giggle
                  when the Minion wants 
                                   Ba….na….na!!!
I wonder what they dream
If they drive each other bananas
Determine little creatures
          in the wide screen

                                 Ba….na….na!!!

2/25/2016